In some ways, Date Everything! is the dating game to end all dating games. After being laid off from your job at tech company Valdivian on your very first day, due to your role being replaced by AI, you discover a mysterious package has been delivered to your house by someone at the company. Inside are the “Dateviators”; a unique pair of sunglasses which when worn, allows all the various objects and furniture in your house to come to life and most importantly, be able to DATE (Directly Acknowledge a Thing’s Existence). This includes even the sunglasses themselves, which are personified as Skylar Specs, voiced by Felicia Day.
As the name rather implies, Date Everything! is a game where you can date… everything. As in, essentially every inanimate object in your house. Your bed? You can date that. Your fridge? You can date that. Your toilet, your TV, your curtains, your lightswitches, your stairs, your books, your coat hangers? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. There are literally 100 dateable objects which you can engage in relationships with, with a huge variety of different personalities. You don’t have to build romantic relationships with everyone; some you can seek platonic friendships, and others, if you find them annoying or simply aren’t interested, you can also craft a hateful and antagonistic relationship.
All of these characters are fully voiced, with some of the best and funniest voice work I’ve seen in games in years, as well as some excellently witty writing. A lot of characters are over-the-top; Timothy Timepiece, the timeliness obsessed clock with a cat face who is obsessed with everything being done according to schedule and who has a bit of an alter ego; Captain Jacques Pierrot, the miniature pirate who inhabits a ship in a bottle, or Jean Loo Pissoir, the French “crapper” (cool rapper) who is, perhaps unsurprisingly, your toilet. Many of the conversations you can have are ridiculous and hilarious, with characters being extreme manifestations of the concepts their objects embody. Duncan “Dunk” Shuttlecock is the personification of various sports equipment and is unsurprisingly obsessed with sports, while Curt and Rod are the various room curtains and curtain rail, both of whom are very into “throwing shade”.
Alongside getting to know all of your objects, there is an overarching mystery involving your employer Valdivian and the somewhat deranged CEO, David Most. You also chat to the mysterious tinfoilhat, your Deep Throat-esque informant, as well as your friend and co-worker Sam, who is somewhat bemused by the fact that you’ve started dating various pieces of furniture. This story happens gradually the more you interact with different characters. Each day, you can talk to five different items before the Dateviators need to recharge, and many will require a series of conversations over multiple days in order to build a strong relationship with them. You have various dialogue choices you can make which will shape the flow of the conversation and characters’ overall feelings for you.
The game combines the traditional 2D, conversation-based gameplay typical of visual novels (complete with each character being colorfully drawn with their own unique and inventive clothing), with a fully 3D rendered explorable house, allowing you to freely pick and choose each day which objects you want to converse with. The music is also great, with every character having their own theme, changing the mood whenever you chat to someone different. For most of the game you’re free to chat to as many or as few objects as you fancy, although Skylar Specs will warn you if you move too quickly towards the finale. You want to build up your SPECS skills, which are passive bonuses allowing you to unlock unique dialogue options, similar to the Fallout SPECIAL system.
I tried to speak to as many new dateable objects as possible each day while returning to a few core people I was most interested in getting to know more deeply, managing to get intimate with Betty (your bed) first. While some characters are more comedic, many may have insecurities or darker sides which you’ll gradually uncover and there are also some who deal with more serious adult themes (although you can disable and skip this if you wish). There’s nothing pornographic here, but it can get more than a little risque; this is probably not a game for young children.
Date Everything! has so much personality and charm overflowing from it, it’s impossible not to get swept up in its feel-good vibes. While some more serious topics are covered, the overwhelming vibe here is to kick back and have fun, chatting up your chairs, smooth-talking the fireplace, or seducing the stairs. I was laughing regularly and much of the joy of the game is found from discovering what each item is personified as, including various things you would never expect to be characters (I will not spoil the surprises). Date Everything! is silly, lighthearted and full of joie de vivre, with a huge all-star voice cast putting on a masterclass. Miss this date at your peril.
