Greetings, — INSERT NAME HERE — ! You look like a promising young person. Oh, you’re not young? Well, just by being physically here, you are the perfect candidate for our space exploration program! By signing this dotted line here, here, and here, you’ll be immediately qualified to don one of Kindred Aerospace trademarked space suits and embark on the journey of your life. We are counting on you to help humankind find a new planet to inhabit, since let’s face it, Earth is done. Caput.
But hey, don’t be scared, you’ll have a super smart computer AI along with you for the ride, and according to our CEO, the genius that Mr. Martin Tweed is, you couldn’t have a better companion for your ride. Oh, if you really get lonely, grab a friend and take them with you while you’re checking out the wonderful new world you’ll eventually step onto once you get out of our wonderful state-of-the-art spaceship.
Speaking of our vessel, be sure to check out everything it has to offer before starting your explorations. You’ll find that there’s an even more impressive piece of technology inside: a 286 Personal Computer with which we can contact you and keep you up to date on your mission objectives. Isn’t that wonderful? But wait, there’s more! A 3D printer that’s ready to spit out new pieces of equipment once you fulfill its material requirements. Don’t worry, it won’t take you too long to get everything you need. Or so we have calculated.
As the world’s fourth best space exploration and technology company, Kindred Aerospace is proud to provide you with your personal space suit! Keep in mind that eventual upgrades will have to be installed based on how far you progress during your mission. Even though your computer buddy is sure to keep you in line as they’ll point you to your next objective as needed, you’re free to try and go out on your own as long as you’re aware that Kindred Aerospace won’t be held accountable for any bodily harm that may come from that.
Oh, we’re very proud of this gizmo, look: it’s a cloning machine that you’ll find to be extremely useful if any medical emergencies come to pass. It brings another one of yourself back to your ship in case your remains cannot be retrieved. Isn’t modern medicine amazing? As Mr. Tweed always says, “There’s no two ways about it, if you can’t live healthy, clone yourself and try again!”. Quite so.
Don’t be alarmed by the name of our project, this planet has been analyzed by our supercomputer located at our headquarters down in beautiful — REDACTED — and has been deemed completely safe to be explored. On the occasion that you might come to any potential bodily harm, however, one of the first blueprints you’ll receive during your travels is for a gun. It packs quite a punch, but don’t expect it to be too precise — we are an exploration company, not a weapon manufacturer.
Our analysis has also indicated that you will run into plenty of indigenous life right as you exit your ship, so feel free to experiment with the socialization tips that are included in your pre-travel guide that was provided before you stepped into the cryo-sleep chamber. Remember, if it chirps and looks at you funny, kick it. Or give it some of our delicious goo in a can. Everyone loves it, after all. Your new friends might even help you after being fed.
Our legal team asked us to remind you to keep a close eye on your heads up display (ahem, the HUD) in order to know whether an objective is over or below you, kindly citing, once again, that Kindred Aerospace will not be held accountable for bodily injuries resulting from high falls or clumsy exploration of this uncharted planet. In case you do find yourself getting hurt too often when dropping down from heights, be sure to print out the necessary boost upgrade for your space suit. It will come in handy.
If you feel somehow discouraged by the importance and enormity of your mission, we’re happy to inform you that it will not take you too long to complete it. Our high tech computer has run many simulations and it’s informing us that you shouldn’t take more than ten hours to see it through. Then again, it has also calculated that extra hours could be accrued in case you choose to be really thorough with your exploration. After all, this planet is sure to hold many hidden resources and secrets.
As the newest member of our research and exploration team here at Kindred Aerospace, we are proud to have you aboard for the ride. We expect great success. Don’t forget, mankind is counting on you, courageous — INSERT NAME HERE — ! You are the pride of — HOMETOWN NAME — ! Good luck! Mr. Tweed sends his regards!
